Dream Gigs for Summer ’08
5 Geriatrician on the “Straight Talk Express”
4 English teacher for Chinese riot police.
3 Zookeeper
2 Fellow in porkonomics
1 (Anything)-monger
Don’t NSOP Believin’
The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I recently received:
Hello,
We sincerely apologize for the delay in notifying you of our decision. Thank you for making time in your schedules to meet with the NSOP Committee interviewers this past week. We were lucky to have such a talented candidate pool of almost 400 applicants for 175 positions this year, but that has also made the decision process very difficult.
Despite the amount of skill and experience demonstrated in your application and interview, we are unable to offer you a position as…
Got Green?
Green is sexy. And not just on St. Patrick’s Day. No, green is sexy 365 days a year. I want to make sweaty, passionate, ecologically-friendly love to green. Because green is the new pink, which was the new black before green displaced it.
What is green? Emeralds are green. Pistachio ice cream is green. Grass is green. There are so many things that are green. Yet so few of these green things are truly “green.”
To be green is to be covered in solar panels. It is to recycle, to refurbish, to renew. It is…
Pass it Over
Like many of my fellow gentiles (a Hebrew word meaning “not-so-Jewish”), I have often wondered about the origins, meaning, and weird bread-stuff of Passover.
Just what in the heck is it all about? Perhaps, I thought, it is a Jewish celebration of traditional nursery rhymes. Maybe the Hebrews have adapted the old children’s rhyme, to say: “Jakob be nimble, Jakob be quick, Jakob pass over the candle stick.” Or perhaps, like any other respectable holiday, it is merely an alternative way to celebrate football, a recognition of the common play in which the quarterback passes the pigskin…
Yes He Can
I’m in, and I’m in to win. Yes we can, Columbia. Yes, we can. We can do a lot of things.
I can juggle. You can vote. I can touch my elbow with my tongue. You can vote. I can even play the recorder with by nose. And you, my friends, can vote.
That’s right. I am announcing my candidacy for CCSC. I’m running for president. There are a lot of cynics out there. You know, the kind of people who stick up their noses at student government. The kind of people who claim student…
Sachs Machine
W ith the coming of spring—the season of rebirth—we are again reminded of the beauty of nature but also of the fragility of our earth. Global warming, acid rain, Hannah Montana—these all pose a grave threat to the environment. And yet even at Columbia, we sometimes take this ecosystem for granted. Also there is a lot of poverty and stuff in the world. But one man, one sexy, sexy man, is changing all that. Jeffrey Sachs, economist, playboy, whiffleball champion, and, now, advocate for a sustainable future, sat down with The Eye last week for an excellent lead story on…
Housing Lottery Haiku
McBain’s not so bad
Just steps from tasty Deluxe
Unless you get shafted
You hear a pin drop
An endless serenity
Furnald Hall by night
We can choose a suite
Suite? It would be so sweet. But
You’ve got foot odor!
One Swift Blow
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dear TAYLOR SWIFT! best singer of universe,
this is an essay. here is my introduction. i will be talking about the mortgage crisis. this crisis is the crisis that makes economies hurt. when i heard about this crisis, i wuz sad. but when the economy started doing better, i was sure everything would be going…
Nightmare on Sesame Street
Monsters. In my experience, they are baby-snatchers, murderers, and frightening beings. Recently, I realized that Sesame Street made light of such a serious thing as monsters. At first, I was in disbelief. I had always thought that the furry, unidentifiable creatures on the show were merely animals of a phylum of which I had never heard. Not monsters. Monsters enjoy punching puppies in the face.
But the truth hit hard one Thursday afternoon, when I noticed that the characters on my beloved Sesame Street were reminiscent of the monsters I often battled in my…
The Funny Bone
Joke
Q. What do you call the progeny of a king who is made of glass?
A. The heir transparent.
Trendspotting Countdown
What are we seeing on hinges this week?
3. mail slots
2. partially decapitated heads
1. door
In the News John McCain Energy Policy: American Runs on Dunkin’. Poll: 57 percent of Americans believe “Obama” rhymes with “Yo Mama.”
Sea Change
In a development sure to send shock waves across upper Manhattan, the City Council unanimously approved Columbia’s proposed expansion into Manateeville Friday.
Manateeville—a 77-acre aquatic neighborhood stretching from 122nd Street north to 135th Street—is the home to several schools of fish, a few pods of dolphins, and a multitude of manatees.
Environmental groups have expressed concern about the displacement of a federally-endangered species from its natural urban habitat, despite assurances from Columbia that it will take care of the manatees. “There are only a few hundred manatees” in the neighborhood, says President Lee Bollinger. “We’re…
Student Attending Lectures for the Naps
pupin, columbia university—Despite enduring weeks of pointless lectures from professor Rutherford Edgemont, Edward Samson, CC ’11, appeared excited to attend Edgemont’s class. He carried a velvet bathrobe (and nothing else) to the lecture.
Samson admits that he attends the class mainly to catch up on sleep but denies that his education is suffering. “I am attending this class in the interest of my education, and I intend to fully memorize and internalize all the information given,” Samson said Monday to his roommate. “I understand that the professor’s voice drones comfortably while everything else remains quiet. I have…
Bollin’
Dear PrezBo,
You don’t know me, but I have been watching you for quite some time now, and, well, to be perfectly honest, I can’t live without you.
As a freshman here at Columbia, I recently stumbled into a strange, new world of tall, gray buildings and tall, lithesome administrators. Lost and confused, I had no one to turn to for answers to my frequent and burning First Amendment queries. Finally, after a semester under your supreme guidance, listening to your eloquent speeches, and gazing upon your muscular arms and broad chest,…
City of Love
saint augustine on losing love, finding it again, and 49 sinless ways to steam up your bedroom
Gentlemen: You’ve probably heard about how I stole all these pears when I was young and virile. I know it was a sin taking so much virginity, but man, to take a girl for the first time is like picking off that ripe fruit and letting it melt in your mouth. You just feel revived. I do brag about it often, because fellas, when you’re young, people won’t jail you for a little hanky-panky. You should try to pluck as many pears as possible and worry about the consequences later—trust me.
Sins committed when…
The Stranger
I’ve noticed recently that every time I use the toilet, I have to replace the toilet paper. I live in a suite with four people. A normal person uses the toilet eight times a week (every day and twice on Sunday for good luck). I’m no rocket scientist, but four people should not go through an entire roll of toilet paper every day. Not even rocket scientists use that much toilet paper, and they are notorious for their gaseous explosions. Point is, some stranger is obviously crapping in my toilet. It would be one thing if…