Yes He Can
I’m in, and I’m in to win. Yes we can, Columbia. Yes, we can. We can do a lot of things.
I can juggle. You can vote. I can touch my elbow with my tongue. You can vote. I can even play the recorder with by nose. And you, my friends, can vote.
That’s right. I am announcing my candidacy for CCSC. I’m running for president. There are a lot of cynics out there. You know, the kind of people who stick up their noses at student government. The kind of people who claim student government can’t get things done, that the administration does everything around here. The kind of people who say, “Raphael, you can’t just run for president. You need a whole election slate. You need to meet a litany of qualifications. And you missed the deadline.” Well, you know what? I’m not going to let a few naysayers naysay me out of the political process.
I’m not doing this for myself. I don’t have some sick lust for power. I just want to be the change you see in the world. Joseph Stalin once said, “[Raphael Pope-Sussman losing his race for CCSC] is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.” Do you want to cause a tragedy worse than a million deaths? No. You don’t.
I will make Columbia a truly global university. My opponents say Columbia is flat. But I know that it is globular. If elected, I will make it even more globular. My opponents are a bunch of criminals. They stole money from the treasury. Do I have proof? Maybe. The last thing I would do is share my proof with you before receiving your vote. That would compromise the security of this school.
I want to make Columbia a better place for students. Did you know that “Columbia” can be rearranged to spell “A Cub Limo”? No, you didn’t. Because your student government is keeping you in the dark. They don’t care about you.
I promise to be open. I promise to tell the truth. I will make Columbia like one giant “Cub Limo.”
But that’s not my only platform. No, no, no. I have dozens. I promise you free printing. I promise you free donuts. I promise you free hookers. Free everything, on me!
But wait! There’s more! I will block JuicyCampus. I will also prevent all such sites from being launched in the future. I will build you a building in Manhattanville. But it will be the most ethical building in world history. It will be made of soybeans and recycled cardboard. Nothing unethical will happen on my watch.
Also, I will put a soda machine in your room. If you are reading this, you may be saying, “Well gee, how is Raphael going to get the money for thousands of soda machines?” I won’t. I will only buy one, and I will put it in your room. That’s how dedicated I am.
Sometimes I get dizzy thinking about all the stuff I will do. For instance, I will increase 24-hour study space. I also promise to create 36-hour study space, and, for emergencies, 48-hour study space. I will also make sure your suite is officially designated “24-hour study space,” and you will be permitted to study there at all hours of the night, without fear of persecution.
I will deliver all these things, and more.
So vote Raphael Pope-Sussman for CCSC.