Wild $ex at Poi$on Ivy
Anarcho-fa$ci$t$ $tudy porn and $ubterfuge
Maybe they should call it the hard-core curriculum.
The latest discovery in Fox News’ ongoing investigation of the out-of-control anarcho-fascist liberal-jihadists that populate Columbia University’s New York City campus is the pornography and left-wing propaganda forced down the throats of any Columbia College student with the audacity to demand a degree.
In a course called “Masterpieces of Western Literature,” entering students are forced to read about anal sex in a book by Giovanni Boccaccio called The Decameron, lesbian political domination in Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, and even bestiality in The Golden Ass, by Apuleius.
In one book, students are given detailed instructions—which could easily fall into the hands of America’s enemies—about stealing pears from privately held trees.
“It’s just out of control,” said Philip Southmorestone III, CC ’08. “I didn’t even know I had a penis until I read about the ancient Greeks, and the things they did with them I had no idea you could do, let alone with a goat.”
Southmorestone III was found by Fox News to be an accurate representative of all undergraduate opinions after an exhaustive survey of the student body. He may or may not be an active leader in several mainstream and popular student groups like the Columbia University College Republicans.
A spokesman for Columbia University confirmed the syllabus when confronted by Fox News, but claimed that the texts were “a foundational part of Western ... Civilization” and a “decades-old tradition that sets us apart from those bitches at NYU.”
When asked if exposing students to such pornography has contributed to the sexual free-for-all on campus, University President Lee C. Bollinger replied: “Duh. Reading ... pornography ... is important to to fulfilling our mission as the emerging Global ... University.”
He continued: “Wait, you’re a reporter? What are you doing in my home?”
The seemingly uncontrollable students drew a sharp rebuke from noted social commentators.
“Where I went to school, Cornell, the closest the co-eds come to sex was milking the cows,” said Ann Coulter, a Fox News commentator, before blowing away in a light breeze.
But arguably more dangerous than the pornography is the political sedition force-fed to sophomores. An extensive review of the required syllabus for a class called “Introduction to Contemporary Civilization in the West” found pro-terrorist texts like the Communist Manifesto, the scientifically discredited On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, by Charles Darwin, and some texts that Fox News was unable to obtain but which likely contain jihadist thought written by one “Al-Ghazali.”
“How can you learn about politics without reading any books written by Americans and only 90 percent written by white men?”, demanded Chas Whitridge Williams, CC ’09, who said he plans to transfer to Brown University in search of “old-fashioned American values.”
(Editors note: Williams overlooked the fact that one of the required texts, the Bible, was written by God. An American.)
In one seditious excerpt, French anti-American Jean Jacques Rousseau lays the groundwork for the axis of evil, saying “man is born free and everywhere is in chains.”
This report is the latest in breathtaking revelations by Fox News that Columbia students have had thoughts about sex, voting for Democrats, and granting equal rights to women and minorities.
The network was unable to confirm reports of anal sex in Columbia’s library, but several students—even co-eds—were overheard by an undercover reporter talking about “going to the But.”