Power Forward
In a move that has sparked controversy, drastically increased game attendance, and warmed the heart of a nation, Columbia has replaced its varsity basketball team with adorable baby seals. When asked to explain the motivation behind the decision, Athletic Director M. Dianne Murphy said “Awwwwwwwww.”
The decision has surprised many, including former head coach Joe Jones, who has been replaced by Steve Meyers. Meyers’ background in animal training consists of a brief stint as a SeaWorld employee, where he held those rings that seals jump through. He also used to play basketball at recess.
Despite his lack of experience, Meyers has already become popular with his team. The seals are now familiar with his trademark pre-game pep talk, which ends with Meyers telling them, “Go out and play like I just clubbed your mother to death.”
Jones, for his part, has taken the change in stride. “I would be mad about my abrupt and unjustified termination,” Jones said in an interview, “but look at those seals. They’re so cute that I just want to die.”
Columbia seems to share Jones’ enthusiasm. The stands at Levien Gymnasium have been packed for every practice since the arrival of the seals. Coaches deny claims that many of the new attendees are in fact poachers.
“Frankly,” assistant coach Jim Poacherman said, “I’m more worried about Janey Sophomore slaughtering one of our players so she can light her dorm lamp with its oil or feast on its delicious, protein-rich meat.”
The arrival of the seals has also changed the way the team’s audiences acts at games, most notably their treatment of mascot Roaree the Lion. When the formerly popular lion tries to distract attention from the seals, members of the audience hurl rocks and other items, like exploding rocks, at Roaree.
“I understand the fans like seals,” Roaree said, “but that land mine they put on the court exploded directly underneath me. Now I don’t have legs.”
Other Columbia organizations are attempting to copy the success of the basketball program. Columbia’s mock trial team has already substituted kindly chimpanzees for some of its veteran members, while discussions are underway to replace the staff of the Varsity Show with an iPhone.