“I Didn’t Count On Falling in Love”
President Bollinger thought he had everything all planned out
An intrepid reporter for The Eye recently discovered the text of President Bollinger’s planned commencement speech. Or maybe he already saw Bollinger give it because he just came back for the future. Or maybe robots! Space robots! Whatever. Here it is:
When the class of 2007 first set foot on campus four years ago, I thought I knew what to expect. Don’t let the youthful good looks and striking posture fool you—I’ve been around the being-president-of-a-major-university block a few times. It’s a nice block. There are trees on it. But in all the preparation, there was one thing I didn’t count on.
I didn’t count on falling in love.
It’s hard to explain how you can fall in love with an abstract entity composed of thousands of people. Most basically, how could you have sex? Huh, science guys, explain that to me. How?
But damn it, that’s what I did.
Not the science guys. I didn’t do that. I did the falling in love.
It was love at first sight. As soon as I saw you all at first-year orientation, I began to feel feelings I never felt I could feel before. I think they are best expressed by Bonnie Tyler in her song “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” “Turnaround, Every now and then I know there’s no one in the universe as magical and wondrous as you/ And I need you now tonight/ And I need you more than ever/ And if you’ll only hold me tight/ We’ll be holding on forever.” That says it better than I know how to.
Sure, there were fights. Like the time I was talking about the global university, and I got this crazy look in my eye and asked how much you knew about Africa, then started yelling at you in Chinese to get out of my house. Or the time with the fun run. That got out of hand far too quickly.
But when it was good ... Do you remember all the times at the gym we used to have? I’d be running and I’d see you, and then you’d look away, because you didn’t want me to know that you saw me. Well, I saw you. And I liked what I saw. ;-)
Oh, you all can’t tell that I have a sexy wink emoticon written here. Well, I do. This is the type of thing I love, how we still keep it fresh after all these years.
Then there were all the pet names we had for each other. You all kept calling me PrezBo, even though it’s not remotely clever and nobody realizes that it was from a Varsity Show from like 10 million years ago. I called you hotpants.
But now, you all are trying to tell me that we won’t be holding on forever. I know what you’re saying is that you want to graduate, but all I’m hearing is I’m too fat.
Listen, collective baby, it doesn’t have to be like this. Think of everything we’ve been through. Remember the time there was the huge graduate student strike three years ago? And remember the other graduate student strike from two years ago that was a lot lamer, but it was still nice that they were trying something? And then remember how everyone just stopped caring the year after? Do you think JP Morgan will give you that? I don’t think so.
You all may be ready to go into the world and sell your youthful idealism for 20 dollars an hour plus time and a half on weekends at the nearest law firm, but I’m not ready to let you go. I’ll do anything to change. Maybe not anything that involves actual changes to substantive policies. But I’ll have more fireside chats. Just you, me, a roaring fire, a bottle of wine, a bearskin rug, and the soulful crooning of Mr. Barry White. Maybe a little massage action. That sounds pretty nice to me.
Don’t leave me now. Not tonight. I need you more than ever.