Got Green?
Green is sexy. And not just on St. Patrick’s Day. No, green is sexy 365 days a year. I want to make sweaty, passionate, ecologically-friendly love to green. Because green is the new pink, which was the new black before green displaced it.
What is green? Emeralds are green. Pistachio ice cream is green. Grass is green. There are so many things that are green. Yet so few of these green things are truly “green.”
To be green is to be covered in solar panels. It is to recycle, to refurbish, to renew. It is to sing ballads about Mother Gaia: “Oh Mother Gaia / How I want to Buy-a / Brand new Toyota Prius / In lime green.” Green is Kashi cereal. Green is coffee cups made of 10 percent recycled paper. Green is those new Poland Spring water bottles. Look, even the label is green!
Green is any wavelength between 520 and 570 nanometers. That’s a fact.
I am green with envy. I wish I could afford to pay wind farmers to offset my carbon output. What is a wind farmer? Are there wind ranchers? Wind gardeners?
I wish I had enough green to be green. Green is pricey as hell.
Al Gore is green. Tina Fey is green. Oscar the Grouch is green. I am green. Yes! I am becoming green. I am earth, I am sky, I am fire, I am water. I am the quintessence. I am green!
I am eco-rep. I am eco-friendly. I am eco-maniac. I am eco-, you fill in the suffix. I am that.
Just follow my lead, Columbia, and you will be as green as a leprechaun. Don’t you want to be green? Green is not so hard. Green is easy. Flick a light switch. Toss that newspaper into the recycling bin. Take short, shallow breaths. Less oxygen in, less carbon dioxide out. That’s green.
Believe me, green won’t add more than two or three minutes to your day. Two or three minutes? That’s a small price to pay to be green, Columbia. You can’t put a price on green.
And remember, if all else fails, you can always mix yellow and blue. That’s green. \\\