I’d Like To Thank Manhattanville
lee bollinger’s nobel prize acceptance speech
By Jon Kaplan
PrintVia Twitter, 11:27 a.m. Oct. 9:
LEE_BOLLINGER : “President Wins Nobel Prize” What? I won? Why has no one called me? This is great.”
While we’re sure someone finally mustered up the courage to tell him that he did not, in fact, win the Nobel Peace Prize, we couldn’t help but imagine his acceptance speech.
“Whoa! This is so shocking. I cannot believe I won! Did that sound like I was surprised? I think I am supposed to sound surprised. But, if I am going to be honest here, I was expecting this. If someone was going to take this baby home, who better than me? Well, that’s what I say. Actually, apparently, it’s what all of you say—because I won.
“The last Columbian to win the Peace Prize was President Butler, or ‘PrezBut,’ as I call him, and I am his natural successor. So I’m pretty sure Butler Library will become Bollinger Library, and with this new power, I’ll make sure that happens.
“Anyway, I’m glad that I’m finally getting recognized for my worldwide achievements. First and foremost: the Fun Run. The amount of fun that is experienced during this run cannot be calculated. It has definitely brought a lot of peace to the world. I assume at least 250 peace points. Plus, I run an entire 5K! Every year! Have you ever gone to Westside, and then decide Appletree will be cheaper, but you discover Westside was actually better so you go back? Finally after all that you go home? That is a 5K right there. So much work! I should move on, I’m getting tired just talking about it.
“Almost as important to my win was the smackdown I laid on Ahmadinejad. I know when to treat people with kindness—like my housemaid—but I also know when it’s time for my inner bad-ass to shine. Ahmadinejad thought he could come into my house? Not this time. That earned me another, like, 200 peace points. If you’re listening Ahmadinejad, I’m ready for a rematch anytime, anyplace. Just let me speak first.
“In closing, I’d like to thank all the other nominees for putting up a good fight. I’m guessing Clinton got 400 peace points for the North Korea thing; clearly not enough. People probably thought that the next person associated with Columbia to win would be Obama, in a few years. Take that, people!”
*drop mic*
15 October 2009
vol. 7, issue 5
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