PrintThere’s depression, and then there’s Teen Depression (you know who you are, Peter Petrelli look-a-likes). Teen Depression can, like, totally suck, especially if you’re marooned in the god-foresaken suburbs. But you know what was worse? The Great Depression of the ’30s.
With a recession looming on the horizon and masses of teens still stuck living with lame parents and going to lame high schools, the question begs to be asked: What was better, Teen Depression or the Great Depression?
Music
People during the Great Depression listened to a wide range of music, from big band groups led by men like Duke Ellington to the sounds of Louis Armstrong and other jazz musicians. Teen depression usually results in listening to the same mixed CD with really meaningful acoustic music that kind of all sounds the same. Popular choices include “I Will Follow You Into the Dark,” and any song by Bright Eyes.
Winner: Teen Depression. Conor Oberst is totally this generation’s Bob Dylan and John Lennon combined.
Employment
During the Great Depression, unemployment was rampant and the few jobs that were available were low-paying or temporary. Teens have limited prospects but can usually score a gig at the local shopping mall, working at Hot Topic or American Eagle. The pay isn’t great but at least the income can be used for funny t-shirts and Twilight posters instead of basic subsistence.
Winner: The Great Depression. There is something inherently meaningless in spending three hours racking charm bracelets and folding t-shirts for money that will inevitably be used to purchase those same items.
Film
Because of the hard times, most Hollywood films were escapist fantasies with lavish sets and rags-to-riches story arcs. For today’s teens, sometimes movies offer the perfect escape from lame parents and the boring suburbs, especially if the movies are really meaningful and not mainstream, like Donnie Darko and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. While the implementation of the Hayes Code put a damper on what could be shown on screen in the ’30s, teens still need a guardian to see anything above PG-13.
Winner: The Great Depression. In those movies, it wasn’t necessary to read fan message boards for six hours to form a vague idea of what the rabbit character (in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) had to do with anything.
Fashion
Universally in pubescent emo fashion, we witness the awesome phenomenon of teens wearing excessive amounts of black eyeliner. Never before in history has a fashion item existed that makes people look so much like pandas. Hobos of the Great Depression tried, by wearing dirt on their faces, because they were unable to take showers.
Winner: Teen Depression. Black eyeliner is just much more consistent.
Dwelling
The suburbs are the Mecca for teens downtrodden by the commercialization of their town centers, dominance of their high school jock population, and the 40 percent soccer mom demographic. But, then again, the suburbs are pretty kick-ass,
considering you’re always a few minutes away from a fast food place, and the per capita income is fairly high. The Shantytowns of the Great Depression would be jealous of both.
Winner: Teen Depression, especially if you have a Wendy’s in your town.
Health
Looking across the members of My Chemical Romance, the physical image of teen depression is skinny and malnourished—often with frizzled hair to demonstrate optimal amounts of unseemliness. Here, it seems that the Great Depression bore great influence on these states of physical health. How do we judge when both are equally unhealthy?
Winner: Teen Depression, simply for getting less credit for it.
Overall Winner: Teen Depression. We hope that this completely arbitrary and contrived test will make you feel better about the $125 you dropped to see The Postal Service in 9th grade.