Humor
love beyond life beyond college
PrintAs we’ve all been told, Columbia sucks for dating. Someday, we’ll graduate and leave this romantically challenged institution behind for a brighter, more passionate future—one that resembles more closely the ending to a Disney Channel Original Movie. OR WILL WE?
What’s really next? A junior-level entry position at a midtown office? A sublet in suburban Chicago? Sundays at IKEA? Like it or not, most of us face immediate futures in dull, corporate work environments. So it comes down to this: a face-off between the now and the later. Evan holds on to his faith in Columbia’s emotional vacancy, while Tony believes the worst is yet to come.
People:
Evan: Hook-ups aside, when it comes to picking boyfriends and girlfriends, Columbia kids can be a little too calculating.
Below, the “should I try to talk to her a little bit but not too much to see if she is like cool and might want to go out sometime in the future?” calculator (data provided by Facebook):
- 5.39 (Really likes Coldplay. Ironically?)
+ 8.46 (Looks good in sweaters + slight ghetto booty.)
- 7.21 (Too hot? Not exotic enough?)
+ 2.89 (Totally “gets” Synecdoche, New York.)
- 9.13 (Enjoys theme parties.)
+ 6.37 (Bangs!)
- 5.45 (Quotes a lot of blog articles I’ve already read.)
+ 12.45 (Has a single.)
= 2.99 (Good luck figuring out what this number even means.)
Tony: The types of people you’ll find post-Columbia quickly deteriorate in quality. Cinematic evidence suggests that only three types of people exist in the working world: chauvinist male executives, like Christian Bale in American Psycho, anxious female professionals who will likely crack under the pressure and have you killed scandalously, like Tilda Swinton in Michael Clayton, and employees who are actually 13-year-olds trapped in 35-year-old men’s bodies, like Tom Hanks in Big.
Communication:
Evan: When talking to people you don’t know at Columbia, conversations generally have bleak starts.
Freshman year: “Where are you from?”
Sophomore year: “What are you thinking of majoring in?”
Junior year: “Where are you thinking of interning over the summer?”
Senior year: “What are you doing after graduation?”
Fifth year (super senior): “Damn girl, you rockin’ that ghetto booty! You got a MySpace?”
Tony: The truth is that once you hit work, your options go downhill rapidly.
Age 22: “Hi, what’s your name?”
Age 32: “What department are you in?”
Age 42: “What department are you in?”
Age 52: “What’s my name?”
And from then on you kind of stop speaking in coherent syllables.
Dating:
Evan: While formal dates at Columbia are rare, they often transpire as follows:
1. Finish burning mixtape of forlorn acoustic music because Bon Iver songs are the only way you know to express your love.
2. Meet at the sundial. So awkward.
3. Eat at random so-so Morningside Heights sit-down restaurant. Downtown, if you’re feeling classy, but train ride—so awkward.
4. Watch quirky romantic comedy or intellectually stimulating drama. Why can’t your date be more like Natalie Portman in Garden State?
5. Go back to dorm and share favorite YouTube videos. Kid high after the dentist somehow still funny. Is anything going to happen?
6. Something about a paper or getting up early tomorrow muttered. Brief kisses or hugs exchanged.
7. Feel bad about the whole thing in the morning.
8. Repeat in a week.
Tony: While formal dates at Columbia are rare and not fulfilling, and you’ll probably end up watching a YouTube video at some point, at least they happen to some capacity. After watching hours upon hours of pornographic films set in the corporate workplace, I am forced to conclude that a) dating is ignored by co-workers in every major industry, and b) office porn is not really a turn-on at all.
26 February 2009
vol. 6, issue 5
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